Friday, April 1, 2011
Welcome aboard the Tennessee Doomboat. This is your captain, oldsmobile98, speaking. Please keep all arms and legs inside the railing for your safety. Expected weather for the journey is initially overcast with scattered showers, followed by an extended period of severe thunderstorms as we hit an intense squall line with predicted wind speeds approaching 100 knots. Please be prepared to take responsibility for your own safety, as we are headed into markedly turbulent conditions. In addition, there have been isolated reports of piracy and kidnapping in the area, so please familiarize yourselves with the crew-served weapons on board, including the fifty-cal mounted at the boat's stern. Thank you for joining us today, and we hope to carry you safely to your destination.